It makes sense that I would begin with a Steven Covey phrase that my children are learning about at their school. 1. This blogs whole purpose if for my own personal self improvement and who better to reference when it comes to self improvement than Steven Covey. 2. This need for self improvement stems from my gut wrenching, heart aching, spiritually thirsty desire to be a better Mother, Wife and Person. Probably in that order, knowing that for me the one will lead to the other. For a long time I have known deep down in my core, probably from 9 + years ago when my first child was born that I wanted to be a better Mother. Now this desire has become a NEED that is becoming all encompassing. I am not a natural mother/ nurturer. I could go on and on about why I think this is and where I think it stems from, but none of that matters. I need to focus and desperately hold on to the notion that I am starting NOW at this point, at this moment and none of the past matters. I can change, my kids can change despite the ways I have help mold them up to this point.
This morning I had a "light bulb" moment, a Come to Jesus run. I run. I am not fantastic at it. I struggle some mornings and totally rock it (for me) on others. This morning was a Come to Jesus Run. The last few months have been a struggle. I have felt this unrelenting need and desire for change and have kept letting that dark mist taunt me that it's too late, the damage has been done. But then after a self demoralizing night I woke up decided - NO MORE!!! No more will I accept this self deprecating, self hatred, self beat down attitude. If I don't like it - CHANGE IT!!! And guess what - The Savior CAN. The Savior can change me. The Savior can heal my kids. That's where I struggle the most. It's too late already. My kids have already learned too many of my negative attributes. It's in them, I'm too late. But this morning the spirit spoke deep truth to me. Grace can win, grace can prevail. Jesus will make up the difference (my mother-in-law through the years has tried to teach this to me many times). This morning I decided I was going to believe this. I was going to trust in my Savior. I was going to show my Faith in His Atonement for me and my children.
One of my local church leaders likes to quote Jesus from the New Testament when he says, "Now therefore, what?" So I had this great epiphany, these empowering thoughts. "Now therefore, what?" am I going to do with them? Off I went on my run and my thoughts began to flow... I need to be constantly vigilant in staying mindful of my goals, of the person I want to be, of the Mother I want to be, of the Wife I want to be. I will do this by praying constantly. At the moment I feel I want to yell, speak negatively, beat over the brow one of my children. It is hard to even write that. It is hard to finally admit on paper, my own form of "out loud" how I see myself as a mother. How I truly can be. I know I have great parts of me in my mother role. But the most dominate mother part of me, is not what I want, is not what is best for my children. So every time I feel a trigger. I feel like I want to yell. I feel like i am going to loose my cool - I want to say a quick prayer in my heart. I have so long desired to change this about me. Have tried different tactics. Its time I admit what I have always known. Me, Amber, can not do this on my own. I am not able. I am lowly. I am no greater than the dust of the Earth. I MUST ASK AND ALLOW MY SAVIOR TO TAKE IT FROM ME. To STRENGTHEN ME IN MY WEAKNESS! HE needs to strengthen my shoulders, soothe my soul, heal my heart, heal my childrens hearts, heal my husbands heart. HE NEEDS TO HEAL US! He can only do that if I kneel at His feel and let him. He stands there knocking, desiring, begging to let Him heal me. It is time. It is time for me to open the door and allow him to cleanse me, to heal me, to strengthen me.
Also, this blog. I need to remain mindful and vigilant. I hope by writing this all out that I will be able to thoughtfully ponder and focus and take inventory of where I've been and where I am going. I want to look back and see - YES I HAVE CHANGED! Even during those hard days I want to see that there is still success. Here I will document my strengths and my weaknesses.
Yes this blog is public, but it is unadvertised. This is for me personally. This is for me to learn from and in. And who knows what it will become as I continue to learn and grow.
